Hello Again, I Guess
So, apparently my last post was in 2017. Pretty much everyone has moved on from blogging (or at least they have moved to other platforms). It is for this reason that I have decided to write here again.
So many things (some amazing, some terrible) have happened since my last post and this is personally meant to be a cathartic post. Heh. Look at me trying to explain to you my private thoughts. Anyway, yeah, this is just to clear my head a little.
It's a bit wild to think my last article was so long ago, but also somehow so recent. I was halfway through my Computer Science degree in 2017. I have since graduated, alhamdulillah.
But that is not the catharsis of this article. The catharsis is that I feel overwhelmed by anxiety and uncertainty. It's is almost 3am and I am trying to work on a personal project because I have left it too long, and I have disappointed someone very close and dear to me in not completing it. I understand it is my ownshortcoming laziness that has prevented me from finishing it. I am also deeply stressed about some clashes in my work schedules. I am presently working 2 retail jobs to afford bills and reduce my dependency on my parents. Unfortunately the two organizations have drastically different cultures. Further complicating things is/was my own fault for not properly setting availabilities to avoid clashes. I was being greedy and wanted to keep my schedule open to try and maximize my hours but it looks like it has come back to bite me in the ass.
Fortunately, my manager at place A is very nice and generally flexible. The people at place B are not bad but the company has a more rigid structure that does not really jive well with me considering I'm only a seasonal part-time. I remember once I got an interview for a full-time position. I called my manager at B about it and she seemed very upset. Which threw me and gave me quite a bit of anxiety considering she hired me knowing I was looking for a full-time position. I am starting to wonder if I have anxiety.
Also further compounding my stress is the fact that I have yet to get a full-time job in my field, 6 months after graduating. N has done her best to reassure me that this is simply a temporary situation and sadly, my pessimism is starting to negatively affect them. I don't want them to be affected by it. I sometimes wonder if I was too rash and selfish in asking them to stay with me. I am genuinely trying to be positive... but sometimes no matter how hard I try I can't drown out all these oppressive thoughts. They keep creeping and eventually the anxiety and stress eventually overwhelms me. N tells me to share with them whenever I am getting overwhelmed but lately it feels like I'm becoming a burden. I feel they grow weary of my anxiety.
I am at a low point. Maybe the lowest I have been aside from the time I contemplated suicide. I do not think I am depressed. Such thoughts have yet to cross my mind. But I am feeling extremely anxious. My heart jumps every time my phone buzzes. Every notification, every text, every phone call is a source of anxiety. I wish I could tell N but... I no longer feel like I can.
I am trying to be positive. Alhamdulillah my hard work at the 2 jobs is somewhat being rewarded. I am getting paid enough to support myself and place B has offered to take me on a permanent basis. I don't have any official word but I suspect place A might soon extend the same offer as my manager at both locations have mentioned how I am performing well. I do not actually know the numbers so that would be nice to eventually know.
Despite this, I still feel anxious, lonely, and like I'm running on empty. Physically and emotionally I am drained. The only thing keeping me going is... Actually I don't know what is keeping me going. Amanah to do my job(s)? Being a responsible adult? I don't know.
Anyway, if you read this far, thank you for your time and I apologize for my incoherent, disorganized rambling. Have a wonderful day.
So many things (some amazing, some terrible) have happened since my last post and this is personally meant to be a cathartic post. Heh. Look at me trying to explain to you my private thoughts. Anyway, yeah, this is just to clear my head a little.
It's a bit wild to think my last article was so long ago, but also somehow so recent. I was halfway through my Computer Science degree in 2017. I have since graduated, alhamdulillah.
But that is not the catharsis of this article. The catharsis is that I feel overwhelmed by anxiety and uncertainty. It's is almost 3am and I am trying to work on a personal project because I have left it too long, and I have disappointed someone very close and dear to me in not completing it. I understand it is my own
Fortunately, my manager at place A is very nice and generally flexible. The people at place B are not bad but the company has a more rigid structure that does not really jive well with me considering I'm only a seasonal part-time. I remember once I got an interview for a full-time position. I called my manager at B about it and she seemed very upset. Which threw me and gave me quite a bit of anxiety considering she hired me knowing I was looking for a full-time position. I am starting to wonder if I have anxiety.
Also further compounding my stress is the fact that I have yet to get a full-time job in my field, 6 months after graduating. N has done her best to reassure me that this is simply a temporary situation and sadly, my pessimism is starting to negatively affect them. I don't want them to be affected by it. I sometimes wonder if I was too rash and selfish in asking them to stay with me. I am genuinely trying to be positive... but sometimes no matter how hard I try I can't drown out all these oppressive thoughts. They keep creeping and eventually the anxiety and stress eventually overwhelms me. N tells me to share with them whenever I am getting overwhelmed but lately it feels like I'm becoming a burden. I feel they grow weary of my anxiety.
I am at a low point. Maybe the lowest I have been aside from the time I contemplated suicide. I do not think I am depressed. Such thoughts have yet to cross my mind. But I am feeling extremely anxious. My heart jumps every time my phone buzzes. Every notification, every text, every phone call is a source of anxiety. I wish I could tell N but... I no longer feel like I can.
I am trying to be positive. Alhamdulillah my hard work at the 2 jobs is somewhat being rewarded. I am getting paid enough to support myself and place B has offered to take me on a permanent basis. I don't have any official word but I suspect place A might soon extend the same offer as my manager at both locations have mentioned how I am performing well. I do not actually know the numbers so that would be nice to eventually know.
Despite this, I still feel anxious, lonely, and like I'm running on empty. Physically and emotionally I am drained. The only thing keeping me going is... Actually I don't know what is keeping me going. Amanah to do my job(s)? Being a responsible adult? I don't know.
Anyway, if you read this far, thank you for your time and I apologize for my incoherent, disorganized rambling. Have a wonderful day.
Comments